Post by Shadow *Blind* on Dec 28, 2014 22:34:00 GMT
I guess the year started when we weren't really talking, but my father had gotten out of the hospital, beating a 10% chance of survival, which I thought had lifted a huge stress off my heart. But really, as you knew, it didn't.
Then going to Missouri a few months into the year to see family, talking to you on Skype using my HTC Phone. I could just use Data on my phone and Skype and the internet and that good stuff would still work. You were on luckily, and I started talking to you, I was in a really good mood. I remember being almost near a rest stop with a few hours already in our long trip. You and I were talking all lovey like we usually do, and I recall asking what was wrong and you explained to me that I had hurt you. I asked how, guessing it's from getting a boyfriend that wasn't you. All you really said was to scroll up and to look myself, but I really couldn't because after a few months messages begin to go away. So, obviously we had another argument, which led to another few months of us not talking...
... I had told you to go die, or that I hated you or something awful as the last thing I said, just out of pure frustration. I didn't mean it, I loved you so much I thought you'd just treat it as nothing. But apparently, it was more than that...
I remember playing Last Moon during the summer, the great Impressive Title server it was. I had met someone, and we became Skype friends, rather close online friends. Then one day she discovered I could compile IT Servers, and informed me that her friend needed some help with it. Of course, me being very caring and supportive of other IT Servers I couldn't deny it. And she added me to a group chat, the three of us. Before looking at the username, it was the cute little drawing you did. I glanced up, and it was your username.
"Oh, hi Mason!" I had said, as if nothing had happened. I thought maybe you blocked me because after a long moment there was nothing said. But, then...
..."Masons dead, lol" is what the other player said, as if it was no big deal. I didn't believe her, rushing to a site where I knew you'd respond quickly to. I sent you a PM, read at exactly this:
How's that book coming along?
I was using my sisters account since it automatically signed in as her, and she had been talking about the book with you a few months ago. So, of course that was what I had decided to say.
Then came the reply, I was actually on the phone with my boyfriend telling a nice long story, in a perfectly good mood, happy and chuckling or laughing or whatever you want to call it.
Sorry who's this? Did you know Mason?
Wasn't you. Someone else. That never happened, it was only you who talked, on that account at least.
We started talking, then I discovered it wasn't a lie.
I was in so much denial I forgot about you completely, except you were still there in the back of my mind...
Then once my friend on Skype, Nala, you know her the one that lived right next door that used to love you too, as long as everyone else. She told me I needed to call her on Skype, I kept telling her to just type it out and finally I gave in and just called her. We talked for a while, then telling me something.
"Yeah, you know about Mas..?"
"Yeah, why?" I replied.
"He left you a letter..." Came the voice from the other end of the phone.
Next was silence.
"Is everything okay? Kiara, you're alright? Do you need to talk to anyone?"
Then I realized that this wasn't a joke. I waited for his youngest sister to call me on Skype to read it to me. I was fine until that point, and she began reading me the letter;
"Dear Shad," she started.
Shad. You were the only person that ever called me Shad, not Shadow, not Kiara not even Kat. Shad. My nickname you gave to me.
Eyes watered.
"How are you doing girl? How wrong was I, hmm?"
Next line. Tears started running down my face, and she continued with the letter.
For me, it was probably around one in the mourning, I remembered.
Next came a bunch of old memories of very painful times. My heart sank, and when she was gone, maybe around 4, I was so upset that I could just read "Dear Shad" and my tears would turn into sobs. I both laughed and cried that night, but it was mostly sobbing.
I had loved you so much, my heart was already broken. It was like you had fixed most of it, and when you died you slowly faded until it fell to the ground.
So much worse.
It's like feeling stabbed over and over again for weeks, months.
Right before school when we moved to another city for a third time in the past year, I was very stressed out, but no one of course knew this.
Then I joined marching band, learning a whole new instrument by force, only four weeks before our first competition, the band had already learned 35 sets out of 50, with people I'd never met all over me, begging to be my friend my first day there and of course I had horrid anxiety so I was freaking out at the time. That made it worse.
I met a guy I liked pretty much the minute I met him, he was just like you except looked different. Had blonde, short hair, but his was thick, and you had blue eyes and his were a grey-ish. This too, of course, stressed me out, and then I started to cut again. I had over the summer, but that was from relationship issues, both romantically and in a friend way. So this wasn't the first time.
I hid it for so long, and then my mom soon found out.
I went to therapy at the end of school around the ending of fifth, so I got taken out.
Then it got worse, I was very suicidal, and had to be admitted in the hospital.
I was given a medication and felt a lot more worthless and depressed there, it wad like a jail. I hated it so much.
When I was out, I met more friends as I wasn't as shy in school. I stayed after once, with a couple of my friends who smoked, and I tried it. Felt better for doing this to you, you were probably so hurt by it, whether you are here or not. I yelled out "Wanna stop me, come back!" and I grinned majorly.
I was falling apart, in front of you. And there was nothing you could do.
Of course you were the only one who cared, so no one wanted to help me. My family didn't even care, the therapy was because cops showed up at my door and informed my parents I should start soon. I wanted help from someone, but now I just don't care.
Just remember, my Sweetheart,
I'm not your cute angle anymore.
I'm a demon now....
and it's all your fault.
~Feather